Off Duty: The Humorous Adventures of Kira and Dax
by Inyri
Summary: Ever wonder what happened when Kira and Dax visited Camelot in the holosuite? Find out in this funny collection of short stories about what they do for fun when they're not working.
1. A Day in Camelot

Off-Duty: The Humorous Adventures of Kira and Dax

_Historian's Note: This story takes place during the fourth season opener, The Way of the Warrior._ _The others take place afterward, also in the course of the fourth season._

A Day in Camelot

"Come on, Nerys. It'll be fun." Jadzia Dax sat on the couch in her quarters talking to Kira over her communicator.

"Jadzia, I'm just not the holosuite type. It's such a waste of time."

"Is spending time with me a waste?" Jadzia asked in a joking tone.

"Of course not," she heard Kira answer from the other end.

"What are you doing?" There was a slight pause and Kira answered with a sigh,

"Nothing."

"Great! I'll be over in a minute with your costume."

"Costume?" Before Kira could say more, Jadzia cut the communication and pulled two costumes from her closet, dawning one before leaving her quarters.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me. I'm going to wear _that_?" Kira's mouth dropped slightly as she pointed to the medieval dress and coned hat that Dax had brought over.

"You were the one who said you needed help with your imagination," Dax reminded her.

"Yes...but this...this is crazy!"

"No, it's medieval. Now go put it on." Kira took the dress from the Trill and walked into her bedroom, leaving Dax smiling in the livingroom.

"So," Kira called from her room, her voice muffled from her movement, "What are we doing?"

"It's an old Earth play called Camelot. Benjamin gave me the program for my birthday- he thought I would have fun with it." Dax smiled all the wider, especially when she heard Kira grunt as she attempted to get the dress on. _Yes, Benjamin. I am going to have fun._

Kira emerged from her bedroom dressed in the elaborate costume. Dax couldn't help but chuckle to herself at Kira all decked out in an ancient Earth dress.

"I look like a fairy tale princess," Kira groaned, throwing her hands at her sides in exasperation.

"That's because you are. Now hold still while I fix your hat." Dax briefly fooled with the rather large hat, which sat crookedly on Kira's head. At that moment, another thought came to Kira.

"Wait a second. I have to be _seen_ like this! No, no, no. I'm not going anywhere, never mind the _Promenade_, like this!" Jadzia pictured the results of that action. _Extra! Extra! Read all about it! First officer Major Kira Nerys seen in costume frolicking on the Promenade!_ Jadzia pushed that aside with a laugh and thought for a minute, not willing to have her plan thwarted so easily.

"We could just beam there," she suggested.

"This isn't exactly an emergency," Kira argued.

"I won't tell Benjamin if you don't." Dax shot Kira a puppy-dog look that Kira unfortunately couldn't say no to.

"Fine." Jadzia smiled in her triumph and tapped her combadge.

They materialized in an empty holosuite, the holoprojectors visible. Jadzia inserted her program into the arch and instantly the holosuite became a courtyard surrounded by stoned walls.

"Where _are_ we?" Kira asked, turning to take in all her surroundings.

"Ancient Earth inside a large stone building which they called a castle. We are in the legendary land of Camelot, known for being the most beautiful and prosperous country in history." Kira nodded, taking in the information as she scanned the small courtyard. The sky was blue above their heads and tiny gardens lined the surrounding walls.

"And who are we supposed to be?" Kira asked reluctantly in fear of the answer.

"You are Queen Gwenivere of Camelot. You were recently married to King Arthur."

"Oh. So where is this King Arthur character anyway?" As if on cue, a man dressed in royal medieval clothing stepped through the courtyard door and recited dramatically,

"Come, Jenny! The match is about to begin!" He grabbed Kira's hand and began dragging her from the courtyard. She threw a confused glance over her shoulder to Dax, who simply shrugged. King Arthur led them through the castle and out onto a large field.

They emerged outdoors to see two men on horseback on either side of the wide stretch of grass. They sported shining armor and large pointed sticks.

"Look," King Arthur said, pointing to the man furthest from them. "That is Sir Lancelot, the undefeated jouster. Every good jouster in the kingdom has gone against him and he still hasn't lost." Dax leaned in toward Kira and whispered,

"This guy has the hugest ego. You're bent on deflating it." Kira found this amusing. Perhaps Jadzia had picked out a good program after all.

She watched as two men on horseback began to gallop towards each other, large sticks that they held extended. The horses ran faster and faster, the distance between them decreasing. When they finally met, the one that Arthur had pointed out as Lancelot knocked the other off his horse. Dax winced when the man fell, wondering if all human pastimes were so violent. It looked more dangerous than fun.

Dax watched as Kira became entranced in the match. Jadzia smiled, glad that she could take her friend's mind off the Klingons for the moment.

Lancelot dismounted, shaking hands with the man he had beat, then walking over to Kira and Dax. He pulled off his helmet to reveal a handsome face, his short hair plastered to his head with sweat. He took Kira's hand and kneeled before her. In a sultry voice he said,

"My lady, I have been victorious again." Kira lifted her eyebrows in surprise and looked over at Dax. "Why do you doubt me so?" he asked. Kira pulled her hand away, with a look of disgust. "I shall prove my worthiness," he vowed, replacing his helmet and moving back to his horse. Dax barely contained her laughter as Kira bored into his back with her _Stare of a Thousand Deaths_, which she usually only reserved for Quark. She turned and Dax suggested,

"Let's explore the castle." Kira nodded and they entered the castle.

They came to a large throne room, elaborately decorated with gold. Kira appeared impressed, walking to the throne and sitting in it.

"I think I could get used to this," she commented.

"Being in control?" Jadzia asked. Kira shook her head.

"No, using my imagination. I had never really had the chance. It's kind of...fun," she admitted reluctantly. The Trill smiled in her success. Just then, Lancelot entered the throne room. "Oh, no," Kira muttered under her breath to Dax. "It's Mr. Big Head again."

"Beautiful Gwenivere! There is something I must tell you!" Kira sighed and stood from her throne.

"Fine, but make it quick." Lancelot ran up to her and grabbed her hand again. He spoke romantically,

"I love you, Gwenivere."

Kira just stood there, unsure what to do. Suddenly, Lancelot leaned in and kissed her. As though by reflex, she floored him, sprawling the great knight across the castle floor. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Computer, end program!" she ordered and briskly walked to the exit. Jadzia chased after her, retrieving her program on the way out. Kira stormed out and Jadzia realized that Kira had forgotten her concern about their attire.

The noise of _Quark's_ flooded their ears as the holosuite doors opened.

"I can't believe you did that!" Dax exclaimed as they descended the spiral staircase that led to the lower level of _Quark's_.

"He didn't leave me any choice," Kira replied.

"What did she do?" a voice asked. Kira stopped short, suddenly realizing where she was and how she was dressed. That was Doctor Julian Bashir's voice. She hesitantly turned her attention to the direction of the voice to find Bashir and Miles O'Brien waiting at the bottom of the stairs.

"She knocked out Lancelot," Jadzia explained.

"He _kissed_ me!" Kira rationalized.

"He's supposed to kiss you," Dax revealed. At that, Kira shot her a look.

"But I was playing a married woman." Dax shrugged, satisfied they had still had a good time. She looked over at Julian and Miles and noticed they were having a hard time keeping a straight face. Bashir suddenly turned to a Klingon beside him and said,

"Lieutenant Commander Worf, this is Commander Jadzia Dax and Major Kira Nerys, our first officer." _So much for keeping Kira's mind off the Klingons,_ Dax thought. _She's going to kill me._

"Nice hat," Worf commented. Kira again remembered what she was wearing. She promptly yanked the hat off, wacking Jadzia in the face with the veil in the process. She covered defensively,

"I don't always dress like this. We were in the holosuite–"

"So I gathered," Worf interjected. He turned to Jadzia and added, "You used to be Curzon Dax."

"That's right," Dax answered, smiling wider by the minute. "And I don't usually dress like this either," she added with a small curtsy.

"Curzon's name is an honored one among my people," Worf stated.

"_Lok, 'jIh Him'tA lah_," Dax answered with a mischievous smile. Worf suddenly looked flustered, not a common facial expression for a Klingon.

"I suppose so," he answered uncomfortably. "Excuse me," he added, moving to another Klingon. Once he had left, Kira turned to Jadzia and asked,

"What did you say to him?" Jadzia just shook her head, the smile lingering on her features.

"It loses something in the translation." Kira nodded, marveling at her friend's complexities. She again remembered what she was dressed in and began to plan the fastest way back to her quarters.


	2. Targ Souffle

Targ Souffle

"Guess what I found yesterday!" Jadzia Dax exclaimed to her friend. Kira Nerys, seated on the couch in Jadzia's quarters, implored,

"What?" Jadzia approached Kira from the bedroom with an old _thing_ in her hands.

"An old Klingon cookbook. Curzon gave it to me. I forgot I had it."

"_That_'s a cookbook?" Kira asked, pointing to the thing Dax was holding. Dax sat down next to Kira and blew dust off it.

"It's an old-fashioned book," Jadzia explained. "It has real pages bound together with string."

"Primitive," Kira commented. "The only writings I've seen that weren't on a padd were on scrolls."

"So, anyway," Dax continued, "I have this great idea. Worf's birthday is coming up and I thought we could cook him something."

"But you don't have a stove or anything," Kira pointed out.

"That's why I asked Benjamin if I could borrow his while he was on vacation." Kira mulled through the pages of the book, pictures of disgusting dishes and instructions in a strange language filling the pages.

"But I don't know how to read Klingon," Kira reminded her.

"But I _do_. How do you think Curzon understood it?" Dax smiled. "Sounds fun, right?"

"I guess so," Kira answered slowly. "But I'm not much of a cook. In fact, I can't remember ever cooking anything in my life."

"That's okay, you'll learn. Besides, my other hosts have cooked one time or another."

"Right." Sometimes Kira forgot about the _Dax_ part of Jadzia.

"Come on, let's go to Benjamin's."

They walked into Captain Benjamin Sisko's deserted quarters.

"Are you sure this is alright?" Kira asked as they entered the kitchen-area.

"Positive," Dax assured her. "Okay...what should we make?" She set the book down on the counter and began thumbing through the time-worn pages. She stopped on a page that had a picture of worms covered in noodle-like strands of _something_. "How about _Gagh nach_?" Kira's nose acquired a few more wrinkles.

"No thanks. I don't enjoy worms."

"It would have to be served live anyway," Dax informed her with a disappointed tone. "Never mind." She flipped through the entire _gagh_ section. "This looks interesting," she commented.

"What?" Kira inquired, looking at the indecipherable words that lacked pictures.

"_Targ souffle._ Doesn't look too hard. No _gagh_, I promise."

"Okay," Kira agreed, moving toward the replicator. "What do we need?"

"Alright, I think we have everything," Dax confirmed, checking all the ingredients and supplies they had replicated and spread out on the counter top. "The first step is to mix all the dry ingredients except the _targ_ meat in a large bowl."

"Easy enough," Kira commented as they began dumping the measured dry ingredients into the large blue bowl. Dax grabbed a large spoon and began stirring it all together, the concoction ending in a tan color. She examined the result and Kira questioned,

"Is that right?" Dax reread a part of the instructions.

"I guess so," she answered with a shrug. She turned back to the book and translated out loud for them both, "Preheat the oven to 400 degrees." Kira glanced at Sisko's stove.

"I'm no engineer," she pointed out. "How do you work this thing?" Jadzia looked at it for a minute and pressed some buttons.

"There, that should do it."

"What's next?"

"We have to grind up the _targ_ meat," the Trill answered.

"How do we do that?"

"I'm not sure." Jadzia thought for a minute.

"We could just put it back into the replicator and ask for ground _targ_ meat," Kira suggested. Dax hit her forehead with her open palm.

"Why didn't I think of that?" She walked the _targ_ meat back to the replicator and did as Kira suggested.

"Next we have to add the ground _targ_ meat and the liquid ingredients at the same time while stirring it," Dax read from the old book.

"All of it at one time?" Kira asked, unsure what she meant exactly. Jadzia reread it, her signature guessing face on.

"I guess so," she concluded.

"Okay, you stir and I'll throw it all in," Kira directed. She began picking up the containers of measured ingredients. "This is one of those times when I wish I had more hands," she commented. She finally balanced all the containers in her two arms.

"Ready?" Dax asked her.

"Yep. Start stirring." As soon as Dax started, Kira dumped all the ingredients (plus one rogue container) into the mix. Some of it splashed onto their faces, leaving runny tan streaks on their cheeks. Kira quickly fished out the one container after she had set the others on the now messy counter. The mix in the bowl began mysteriously bubbling.

"Is it supposed to do that?" Kira asked, a tint of concern in her tone. Dax handed Kira the spoon to keep mixing as she consulted the cookbook.

"It doesn't say anything about it bubbling but I guess it's okay."

"It doesn't look natural to me," Kira commented.

"Klingon food never does," Jadzia pointed out.

"That's true." Kira suddenly realized that the mixture was becoming harder to stir. It had stopped bubbling and its texture was that of wet cement. "Are you sure we're still supposed to be stirring it?"

"We're supposed to stir it for five minutes. It's only been about four." Kira nodded, straining against the mixture. After a moment of struggle, she let go, announcing,

"Okay, we're done with that."

"Now we have to bake it. Take the spoon out," Dax instructed. Kira pulled on the spoon but it was stuck upright in the mix.

"It's not coming out."

"Let me try," Dax suggested. She pulled to no avail. "I guess it's staying that way."

"But can we bake it in that bowl?" Kira asked.

"I'm not sure what it's made of. Just to be safe, we should put it in an oven-safe one." Kira replicated an oven-resistant bowl as Dax picked up the mix.

"Whoa, this is heavy!" Jadzia added as she staggered momentarily from the weight. "It's like a bucket of titanium alloy."

"Sure looks like it," Kira agreed, returning from the replicator. "Especially with the spoon sticking out of it." Jadzia giggled as she tipped the bowl of souffle over to put it into the newly replicated one. The souffle wouldn't budge.

"Looks like we're going to have to bake it in here," Jadzia conceded with a sigh. She opened the oven and put it in. "Okay, twelve minutes."

"I hope we can get the spoon out when it's done cooking," Kira said. It was then that they looked at each other. The Klingon souffle pasted on their faces and the image of the spoon stuck upright in the bowl sent them simultaneously into a fit of hysterical laughing. Kira tried to wipe the tan cement-like mixture off Jadzia's face but she only made it more messy for her hands were also covered in the paste. They laughed even harder.

Suddenly, a large _POP_ filled the room. Kira opened the oven door to look at their creation and Dax read the last, neglected, part of the instructions.

"Warning: Refrain from creating loud noises while baking the souffle for it will cause the air bubble to burst, ruining the dish." They both peered into the oven.

"We killed it." They looked at each other and the giggling started all over again. The giggle fest continued, even as they put all the dirty dishes into the replicator and wiped up the messy counter.

When the time was up, Dax took the _targ_ souffle out of the oven. She placed it on the counter and they examined it. It looked basically the same except it was puffy on top. It resembled a deflated balloon. Dax tried to pry the spoon free but her attempts were for naught.

"It's like a rock," Dax said. "Maybe Klingons like breaking their teeth on their food."

"I wouldn't doubt it." Jadzia sighed.

"I don't think there's any hope of getting this out of the bowl. They're nearly melted together," Dax concluded. "Even though it was a total failure, it was fun. Right?"

"Right," Kira replied.

"So, what should we do with it?" Dax asked with a mischievous smile.

On his birthday, Worf opened his door to find a strange object outside his quarters. It smelled suspiciously of _targ_. A spoon was stuck in it and on its handle was a note. It read,

"Happy Birthday! Enjoy your _targ_ souffle." The note wasn't signed. Worf sighed and took the _thing_ inside. Stranger things had happened.


	3. Pet Sitting

Pet Sitting

"Isn't he cute?" Jadzia Dax asked Kira Nerys. Kira peered skeptically at the object resting on her friend's end table.

"I guess if you like the orange, nautical type." The goldfish in the small spherical fish tank stared blankly at Kira as it swam in a circle.

"Julian gave it to me for my birthday," Jadzia informed Kira with a smile.

"But your birthday isn't until next week," Kira said, slightly confused.

"You know Julian. He does everything ahead of time." Kira nodded. "I named him Tobin," Jadzia added.

"That was Dax's...second host, right?"

"Right." Kira smiled. Sometimes she had trouble keeping all the hosts straight. She wondered how Jadzia did it. She shook her head, realizing she would never totally understand all the Trill complexities.

"What is it, anyway?" Kira asked, referring to Jadzia's new pet.

"Julian said it was from Earth. They call it a goldfish." Kira nodded, then said,

"I'm starved. Are you ready to do?"

"Yep. See you later Tobin," she said to the fish, blowing it a kiss. Kira rolled her eyes and followed Dax out of her quarters.

"Dax to Kira." Kira tapped her commbadge, putting down the PADD she'd been reading.

"Kira here."

"Can I ask you for a favor?"

"Sure. What is it?" Kira asked over her commbadge.

"I'm going to be off the station for a few days. Benjamin and I are going down to Bajor to set up a computer program for them. Remember the program I wrote to translate Ancient Bajoran?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Well, scientists down there are interested in it. They think I'm some kind of genius or something. Anyway..." Dax paused, then continued, "can you watch Tobin for me?"

"Jadzia, I don't know the first thing about caring for a pet. I know even less about one from Earth."

"Don't worry, Nerys," the Trill assured her. "It's really easy. I left the container of food on my kitchen table. Just sprinkle some of it in his tank at night. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Don't worry, you'll be fine."

"Okay. Have fun."

"Goodnight Nerys."

"Goodnight Jadzia." Kira tapped her commbadge to end the communication.

The following night, Kira entered Dax's quarters to feed Tobin. She passed him, still swimming in circles in his tank, to get his food off Dax's kitchen table. She found a container labeled **Goldfish Flakes** in Jadzia's beautifully curved handwriting. Kira took a moment to examine her friend's handwriting, appreciating its elegance. Her own handwriting was cramped and messy- she had never really taken the time to learn it correctly. She wasn't very artistic to begin with.

She walked over to Tobin's tank on Jadzia's end table and opened the container. Multi-colored flakes were inside. Kira wrinkled her nose at their smell.

"How could you eat this stuff?" she asked the fish. She paused, realizing what she had just done. "I can't believe it. I'm talking to a _goldfish_." She shook her head and then pondered how much to feed it. She tipped the container over and let some of it fall into the tank. However, more fell out that she had first wanted. It was all stuck together in clumps, dispersing as it hit the water. The entire surface of the water was covered with the flakes. She bent down to see into the tank from the side.

She shrugged to herself. The fish seemed happy enough, quickly eating the food off the top of the water. She put the food back on Jadzia's table and walked to her quarters without a second thought.

"I just have to stop in and feed Jadzia's goldfish," Kira explained to Odo the next night as they entered Jadzia's quarters.

"Goldfish?" Odo asked.

"It's an Earth pet she got from Julian for her birthday. I have to feed it while she's on Bajor," she continued as she retrieved the food from the other room. Odo quickly spotted the fish tank and walked over to it. He bent over to look inside.

"Does it always do that?" he inquired as she walked towards him, fish food in hand.

"Do what?" She approached the tank and looked in. Tobin was floating on his side at the top of the water.

"That," he replied bluntly.

"Uh-oh." She tapped the glass but Tobin didn't move. "Maybe he's sleeping," she reasoned. Odo gave her an _I highly doubt it_ look and she let out a sigh. "I watch it for two days and I kill it. Now what am I going to do? She loved that thing."

"You could replace it," Odo suggested.

"Where am I going to get a goldfish?"

Kira walked into _Quark's_, the barkeep spotting her immediately. He gave her a pointy-toothed smile.

"Major Kira!" Quark exclaimed. "What a lovely surprise! What can I do for you today?"

"Cut the pleasantries Quark. I need you to get something for me." Quark paused, possibilities of what the Major could possibly want running through his mind.

"Anything. What do you need?"

"Have you ever heard of a goldfish?" He searched his brain (which didn't take that long) and answered,

"Nope, never heard of it," he admitted.

"It's an animal from Earth. Do you know where I can get one?" Quark paused again, thinking through his various "connections."

"I know some people I could ask. I'll let you know if I find anything." Kira nodded and started to leave. She suddenly stopped and yelled,

"Quark!" He turned to face her again.

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

"Anytime, Major." He smiled and Kira continued out of his establishment, thinking that the little toad was worth something every so often.

Kira peered at Quark through the clear bag that held the "goldfish."

"This isn't a goldfish," she stated.

"Reliable sources promised me that this was a goldfish," Quark answered hastily, a tinge of hurt in his tone.

"Well, it's a mutant. It doesn't look _anything_ like Jadzia's. In fact, it's not even the same color!" The gray fish gazed at her almost mockingly. Kira let out a sigh.

"Thanks anyway, Quark." She paid him and left his bar.

Dax entered her quarters to find Kira bending over, peering into her fish tank. She smiled, walking over to stand beside her friend.

"Anything interesting?" she asked. Kira straightened suddenly.

"Hey Jadzia. Nice to see you back. Did you have a good time?" Jadzia eyed the Bajoran with a smile.

"Okay, what happened?" Kira sighed, giving up on her act.

"I tried, I really did," she explained. "I told you that I'm not good with pets. I killed it. I tried to get you another one but I got a mutant. It doesn't look like your old one and–"

"Nerys!" Dax interjected. "It's okay. It was only a fish."

"I know...but you loved the thing!" The Trill smiled broadly at Kira.

"I wouldn't trade a million fish for a friend like you," she admitted sincerely. "Besides, I have a new fish now." She bent down to look at the gray fish. "Hello, Torias." Kira rolled her eyes.

"Here we go again."


End file.
